Finding joy in motherhood

When I initially intended on writing this, I was sitting outside at the neighborhood park. My daughter was in her Baby K'tan carrier and asleep on my shoulder as we were enjoying the beautiful spring weather here in North Texas. I was enjoying that moment, you know the one, where everything is peaceful, tranquil, and being a parent is worthwhile. Feeling grateful to be enjoying the sunshine on my face, grateful to be a mom, grateful to have her at all. My journey to this moment is a bitter sweet one. You see, it hasn't always been like this.

 

I totally thought I knew what I was getting myself into regarding kids. I helped with my nieces, the majority of my friends had at least one if not two or more kids already. I was 35 for crying out loud! I heard a ton of stories, I'd been warned on multiple occasions. Though I understood it!  Boy was I stupid! I was sleep deprived, overwhelmed and wondering what I had gotten myself into. Hormones, lack of sleep and the bipolar played a part in making those first months miserable. By the end of December, I was not doing well and needless to say, I was very close, too close, to being one of those women you hear about on t.v. where things end tragically. I'm so grateful for enough sense not to do that. I'm grateful for my friends on Facebook, who heeded the plea of someone who needed their prayers though I wouldn't go into detail as to why. I'm grateful that I was headed to get back on bipolar meds that day though I didn't want to because I thought I was doing ok. I am very grateful that my mother stayed on the phone with me for an hour and a half. I think that saved my life. To be on the other end, to be able to look back with some clarity, it's an awesome place to be.

 

When I initially intended on writing this, I was sitting outside at the neighborhood park. Enjoying yet another day with my beautiful daughter who's smile lights up a room. Who finds fascination in the wonders of the world. Loving the fact that I've been able to FINALLY find the joy in motherhood I thought I'd never find. Am I still sleep deprived? You betcha! Are things perfect all the time? Definitely not! Is my house a total disaster? Oh, don't get me started! ;) I do get another day to be there for my daughter though, and that's something!

The month of many changes

As I reflect on my last month, it seems as if what has transpired couldn't fit into such a short amount of time. I am still wrapping my head around things and haven't sorted out my feelings yet. Let me explain.

In an attempt to simplify our life, we've been looking into moving to Kansas. Yes, I said Kansas. I knew that some day, I might get to Kansas, I just figured I'd get to other places first like New York, Boston, or D.C.. DEFINITELY not Kansas. It's not that I didn't want to go, it just wasn't on the top of my list. Long story short, Kansas is offering different incentives for people to move to the less populated areas as they are trying to revive them.  Being burned out by the rat race and seeing the effects it has taken on my husband and I, we needed a change. After having our daughter, we wanted to make some changes more permanent. Getting out of a large populated area was one. Our trip was nice. Sterling is kind of how I imagined small town middle America.  Kind people and a quaint town. Mayberry is alive and well! Nothing official, yet. But, our hopes are to end up there.
After being home a week, I drove to Killeen, TX to visit my cousin for the weekend. On my way back to the Dallas/Ft. Worth area, I was hearing about my grandma's failing health.  I packed and flew to Utah the very next day with my daughter. Getting on my flight was nothing less than a miracle. The 11:50 am flight had been moved back to 3:15 pm and two tickets had just opened up as we were on the phone trying to make arrangements. I was home a week and a half with my grandma passing away and buried during that time. I am so grateful that I was able to be home and that my family and I were by her side when she passed. It was an experience that I will never forget. We knew it was coming but didn't expect it to be that day. Though I felt peace at her passing and joy knowing that she was okay, I've since struggled with how quickly things can change, even when you're expecting it. A few days after her funeral, we were cleaning out her apartment and it struck me as we were sorting through her things, that after a life time of memories, items from her past and personal affects,  we were having to decide what we felt was worth keeping and what to get rid of. Things that were important to her, were getting discarded.
It's made me take pause and try to make sense of everything.

The morning I flew home, I randomly thought of an old friend from high school, John Coons. It was random and out of the blue. Shortly after I arrived home, my sister called informing me that he had been hit by a car and killed that morning, just a week after my grandma had passed. Again, I was reminded of how quickly things can change and how fragile our time is here. I've struggled with these deaths over the last week, trying to make sense of it all.

Within the last month, I've been through four states, three airline flights, and been gone two and a half weeks. It's been a crazy month with a lot of self reflection as I've experienced these things. Please, take the time to tell those in your life how much you care. Life is crazy and hectic and can change so quickly.

The Difficult Times

Jekyll and Hyde. Angel and the devil on your shoulders. Call it what you want, that's how I feel at times when dealing with the bipolar. Even with medication, you can't always avoid being triggered by something. Unfortunately, my husband and I seem to trigger each other more often than I'd like to admit. This was hard before and with a child in the mix, it's a bit more of a struggle.

As I've gone through my day today, I've been fighting this battle inside my head. Both sides trying to emerge as I try to keep my patience with a teething baby, a sweet girl who just needs my love. I managed and fought hard. I think the day ended up being a draw but, I fought and dug myself out of the pit. Not an easy feat, but, I did it.

Grateful that tomorrow is a new day. I get to reset the clock and remind myself of what's important. For me, it's doing the best I can to not let the damn bipolar get the best of me. It's keeping focused on my daughter and letting her know that I love her regardless of the storm that rages in my head from time to time. It's being patient with myself and trying to keep my cool. It's continually reminding myself that I'm not the worst mom ever. There's always something to deal with.

So, here's to a new day. To continuing to put one foot in front of the other. To the power of music and the ability it has to lift even the most conflicted of spirits.
Keep pressing forward, everyone. We'll get through things one way or another. Don't give up.

Choices

Each day, we make choices, good, bad or otherwise that take us down a variety of paths.  Many choices only effect you, but some can impact those around you.

 

As my family struggles with bipolar, I'm very aware of how our choices and decisions impact each other and the future. I look at my daughter and worry about how the fact that both her parents are bipolar will affect her. How can I protect her? How can I help her to understand that it's not her fault for our moods? I worry that my sweet girl will blame herself for our foul moods. How can we better equip ourselves to help her to understand? It breaks my heart. Our choices to get help and allow help to be part of our lives, can make the difference between a stable and healthy family and a family with problems. Having the proper tools to help us when dealing with an episode would be awesome.

 

My hope is that we can make better choices, obtain the tools to not only help ourselves, but strengthen ourselves during the bipolar storms. To positively change ourselves and improve our future as a family. That sounds like a great long term plan to me.

The beginning

Inspired by my sister in law who just started a blog about her bipolar disorder, I thought this might be a good avenue for me to discuss our challenges with bipolar.

With that said....My name is Allyson and I am bipolar as is my husband.  We both were diagnosed just over a year ago. We're still adjusting to the diagnoses. My husband has chosen to not take medication and uses creating and selling chainmaille jewelry as therapy. (facebook.com/icdoodads) . I chose the medication route.

Shortly after we were diagnosed, we found out we were expecting our first child,  which meant I had to come off the meds.  As exciting as this moment should have been, I wasn't worried about weather she'd have 10 fingers and 10 toes, I worried about her getting a double dose of crazy. Our daughter will be six months old in a few days and it's been a struggle,  I won't lie. I love my daughter and am grateful. It's definitely a challenge though.

I now hope to be able to help others. Here's the beginning of our journey.