My broken heart

As I sit here, I'm in the fourth hospital within the last two weeks, third this week in two states with my newborn son. Nothing hurts more than watching your kids suffer. My son has two heart issues, one will hopefully resolve itself within a year, a particially collapsed lung at birth which was inflated easily, and now pyloric stenosis (surgery scheduled soon), my heart has broken more times than I ever imagined possible. I feel useless as I try to take care of my husband and daughter and be with my son unable to do anything. I just have no words how difficult this has been on everyone. Just when I think we're through something, my heart breaks again with something else.

I keep getting told to take care of myself. How do you do that when you're heartbroken and torn in multiple directions. Grateful that I got back on my bipolar meds right after having my son. Don't think I haven't completely lost it more than once,  but I know that the meds have helped and am glad.

While at Children's Mercy Hospital in Kansas City, MO, we met many families in worse situations and I know it could be worse. This situation hasn't been awesome by any means, though. Love your loved ones, hold them close, tell them you love them.

Reflection

As I reflect over the last nine months, I am unsure of what to say about my experience as a whole or how I feel about all of it. Surreal seems like a good word. Definitely not a time I'd like to repeat, ever. Heck, my last two years have been something I never imagined. So many highs and so many lows have pushed me further than I thought I could handle. Motherhood has been a far different experience than I thought it would be. I love my daughter. She is adorable, spunky, smart and has a load of personality! She loves people and animals. She is kind hearted and a sweetheart. She definitely keeps me on my toes. I guess, I feel inadequate as a mother and my struggles with that insecurity has been tough. I guess I thought I'd feel more like Mary Poppins and less like Ms. Hannigan from the movie "Annie". Ha ha. I expected better of myself. I know that my daughter loves me. I can see it in her face and I'm grateful that she sees past my short comings because she is a delight.
I can only hope that as we begin a new journey as we welcome my son into our little family, that I can continue to improve and be the best mom I can be.

Motherhood.... why can't we be nicer

As I'm within weeks of delivering my second child, I've had a few articles about mommy shaming pop up from various sources. Now, I have had other things on my mind I've wanted to blog about but wanted to weigh in.

The breast feeders shame the bottle feeders, the attachment parenting people shame the non attachment parenting people. Now, I don't know about you, but parenting has been the hardest thing I have ever done. My guilt runneth over all in its own. I don't need help feeling inadequate as a mother. So, where do these people get off?

For example,  I recall after having my daughter, breast feeding her was a nightmare. It took three sets of hands to get her to kind of latch. Once home, it was nearly impossible. Within less than a week, she had lost a pound and I'm in with the lactation consultant sleep deprived and sobbing because my daughter wasn't eating. She thought we keep going like this for another two days. After talking with my husband, we decided that I'd use a breast pump (which I did 5-6 times a day for 4.5 months). We tell the consultant this only to have her demeanor completely and negatively change towards us and shamed us for not trying longer. I have no doubt that I did the right thing for my kid and no regrets. I hate that damn pump, it's lucky I didn't back over it with my car, but, I did the right thing. This round, I can't breast feed. I need to get back on my meds. Being in a healthy place mentally has had to override things. I wish I could, but I can't and will not let some over zealous breastfeeding Nazi make me feel bad. I need to be the best mom I can be under the circumstances. I make no apologies for not being able to. I've gone through enough "being crazy" within the last two years to last a life time. Especially during this pregnancy. I need to be sane so to hell with the breastfeeding Nazi's! ;)
Not everything works the same way for everyone. Why is there this need to shame people for it? Do the best you can. There's so much conflicting information on things, it can drive you crazy. Co sleeping is great; don't co sleep; let the kids cry it out...... It's like your damned if you do and damned if you don't.

So, why do women feel the need to shame other women because of things like this? I don't think it makes you a better mom if you're able to do something another mother can't. Good for you. Either you're the Mother Teresa of parenting or struggling just as much as the rest of us and are embarrassed. If motherhood has come easily for you, I'm jealous. LOVE my kid, but man, this is hard. I feel like a complete failure frequently. I'm doing my best and believe most moms are in the same boat.

Please be kind. I believe we all have our strengths as parents and could stand to be kinder, especially to other moms.

My time in the joint (a.k.a. I checked myself into the psych ward)

Yes, I'm referring to my time in the psych ward/hospital as "the joint" or "the clink". I use both interchangeably when I actually talk about my time there. Sarcasm was my weapon of choice as I attempted to deal with my feelings and my recovery. Since getting out, I've been trying to formulate what to say. The verdict is still out on my feelings about going in and coming out. I've tried to come up with something and have struggled as to what to say.

Prior to going into the joint, I probably hit the lowest point of my life in dealing with and managing my long battle with depression and fairly recent diagnosis of bipolar disorder. Due to being pregnant, I had to come off my current meds and did so abruptly. (Not so smart on my part, P.S.) I was then put on Zoloft which I could tell quickly, WAS NOT WORKING! Between crazy lady pregnant hormones, going cold turkey off my meds and the not working Zoloft, I was a mess to say the least. I couldn't feel any emotion. No happiness, no sad. Just a constant state of nothing; I was a shell. I didn't want to die/kill myself. I just couldn't go on not feeling and having this constant state of emptiness. With the help of my amazing father, he came to Kansas to take me back to Utah to have a change of scenery in hopes that would help. I knew on some level, that I needed help, more than just going back to Utah for a few weeks could help. My second week in town, I checked myself into the psych hospital at University of Utah. To be at that point of knowing I needed to go to the psych ward, was a hard moment. Without the help of the few people who really knew what was going on, I wouldn't have been able to do it. I will be forever grateful for the support of my husband, my parents and sister, my sister-in-law and brother-in-law who took my kid for a few days on top of three of their own. To my in-laws and parents for helping watch my kid as well. It was a huge burden to ask of everyone. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I spent nine days in the joint. Two days too long if you ask me, but I'm no doctor. While there, I met many amazing people, like me, who just wanted to get better. I'm grateful for the friends I made who made my experience bearable. While there, I was able to find my smile again and smile like I meant it (insert Killers song here). An ability I had lost. Being able to do that again was huge! It was like coming out of the dark into the light. Being able to feel again was another major accomplishment for me. The good and the bad, I was feeling again which was wonderful. It gave me hope that I was still in this shell of a body. It gave me hope that I might get through this hell I had been enduring. To be able to function again, "normally", was something I took for granted.

Though, I have to share a few things I found funny about my experience there:
1.  So, being in a psych ward, razors with blades weren't allowed necessarily, though I did pack my razor to shave my legs. I could have it if I wanted to use it, but someone had to be standing outside the shower. I wanted to shave my legs but didn't want to be baby sat, either. My sarcasm came out and I informed the poor charge nurse that, "I wasn't about to slice and dice my legs, if I was going to try and kill myself, it would be by overdose and that wasn't happening here". (They kept keep all your meds and disperse them at allotted times during the day as needed) I also informed the poor guy that if someone stood outside the shower, I would give a blow by blow of where I was shaving (I'm now shaving my left thy!). Luckily, I won and got to shave my legs in peace! :)
2. The other bit of funny was that they wouldn't let me keep my Q-tips. I could use them if I went and asked, but I couldn't keep them in my room. They kept relatively "safe" things in a bin and you could go ask for them.  I don't know if they thought I'd try sticking them up my roommates nose, or what, but I couldn't keep them in my room. But, they let me keep my bobby pins. Now, if I had really wanted to , I could have pulled off the rubber tips of thus said bobby pins and really gone to town. Now, I didn't want my hair running a muck, so I wasn't about to point out the irony them letting me have my bobby pins. I don't know, maybe in my present state, all of that just struck me as funny and ironic. Hey, it gave me a good laugh!
3. Now, I'm known to call my husband a smart ass on occasion when he's being intentionally stupid just to get a rise out of me. His attempts to get me to say that or to react, needless to say, had stopped. Again, still not feeling. So, one day, while still in the clink, a friend of mine said something that instantly had this knee jerk reaction of, "smart ass!" When I suddenly thought that, I had to laugh! I thought, "oh my gosh! I'm still in here!" I was thrilled to be able to report this story to my husband later that night.

Music was instrumental for me during my time. As I mentioned, I had the Killer's song, "Smile Like You Mean It" in my head. I also had, "All These Things That I've Done", also by the Killer's, stuck in my head. One of my favorite musicians is a guy by the name of David Gray. He does a song called, "Fugitive". Now, in the lyrics, it talks about that you "gotta try". That just stuck with me as I was struggling to get through all of this is, that all I need to do was try, just hold on, fight. Another song was Collin Hay's song, "Waiting For My Real Life To Begin". I don't know if anyone says at 16, geez, when I'm 37, I'd like to check myself into the psych ward. Definitely wasn't part of my "plan" for my life. Like, "is this really my life?" His song, "It's A Beautiful World" is another I really like. Realizing or remembering that there are plenty of beautiful things around, I just need to look. Anyhow, just a few of my "recovery" songs.

I hope that my experience in the clink can help someone see that things can be worked through, even from the lowest points in your life. Hold on.

Survival

In my mind, my last year is not one I'd like to repeat. Giving birth, health problems, problems adjusting to parenthood, a death in the family, selling my house and moving out of state and a myriad of other things have left me feeling worn out beyond what I feel like I can handle. 

 

My last two weeks have been hell. Due to some unforeseen events, I had to stop my meds and went without for two weeks. I just started some new ones, and I think they're kicking in, but by this morning, if I had been in Utah, (with extended family member to watch my daughter) I would have checked myself into the psych ward. My current ability to handle things is at a minimum. Just getting by moment by moment has been beyond hard. Not killing myself, not because I want to die, because I want the pain to stop. I want to feel normal again.  I want to enjoy my daughter again and not be reminded that she deserves a mother who's better than me every time I look in the mirror.

Please realize that I share this ugly truth  about my life as of late, not for sympathy. Though I wouldn't blame for thinking,  "damn, I'm glad that it's not me". I am hoping to help someone else see that they aren't alone. If we keep silent about things, we become isolated and feel alone. I'm tired of feeling alone.

My family drives me crazy and my hectic year!

My family drives me crazy! There, I said it. You know that yours does, too. Don't act all shocked that I actually said what you've been thinking for years about yours. With that said, I am sometimes  grateful for my crazy family! Though as I look back over my year so far, family has been the overarching theme.

•  I've traveled to Utah twice needing to be with family as my grandma's health was failing with her passing away in March.
• I've traveled to Kansas three times as my husband and I look to simplify our lives and create a better and less complicated life for our daughter.
• I've been to Killeen, Texas to help my cousin after surgery and in return my cousin Clay was kind enough to assist us in moving to Kansas.
• After moving my husband to Kansas two weeks ago, my dad flew from Salt Lake City, Utah to Dallas, Texas to help me as I'm temporarily a single parent. Words can not express my gratitude for his help during this stressful time.

 All in all, I've been gone anywhere from three days to a week and a half each month so far. In total, I've been away from home about two month. Doing so with a baby has proven interesting in trying to keep a schedule. Needless to say, I have no discernable schedule any more and it's changing all the time due to all the travel. I'm just trying to keep up, not completely loose it and am hoping things settle down once we get moved to Kansas.

I am grateful for the chance that I've been able to help as well as receive help. I've definitely become more grateful for family and their love and support. Yes, my family drives me crazy but sometimes, they're the right kind of crazy! But, when it comes down to it, in times of struggle and difficulty, you find out who's really there for you. I've seen that multiple times this year and again, am very grateful.

Being able to travel to Utah prior to my grandma's passing was a blessing. When my grandpa passed away, they were living in Sandpoint, Idaho, 50 miles from the Canadian border and an hour and a half from Spokane, Washington. We weren't able to get up in time to say goodbye.
That coupled with the fact I hadn't seen him in five years was very difficult. I've struggled with that ever since. I was glad my grandma was closer to family in her final days so we had that chance to not only be with her, but say goodbye. My grandma was an interesting lady who if you told her you had a hangnail, by the end of the week, she'd have herself convinced you were going to loose your finger! :) Needless to say, my diplomacy skills have come from dealing with my grandma for 37 years! I've learned it's not what you say, but how you say it. Again, I owe my insight on that nugget of diplomacy to dealing with my grandma. But, I've found myself missing her and the odd things she'd ask and get worried over. After working in assisted living for three years, I grew to understand my grandma better in a way and miss her quite a bit as well as her grandma-isms that made my family roll their eyes and shake their heads! :)

Kansas was never somewhere I imagined I'd EVER be moving. Who moves to Kansas? Crazy people. Oh wait! My husband read a article talking about how Kansas was offering incentives to get people to move there from student loan pay offs up to $15,000, no state taxes for five years, incentives on remodeling houses or building new houses. Living in the greater Dallas/Fort Worth area is hectic and busy. People rushing all the time making it difficult to really feel a sense of community and knowing your neighbors. With my husband and I both being bipolar, the hectic rushing of daily life seems to take a toll on us and feeling like we fit in.
We feel lost in the shuffle and seem to feel a bit more sensitive to the strain of this lifestyle. After having our daughter, our focus has changed, of course. Wanting better for her, less chaotic for us, Kansas seemed like a good fit. We've been researching towns and making the move for six to eight months. Looking at towns that would qualify for these incentives but still have conveniences near by. We kept coming back to Sterling, Kansas; population 2,300. It is half an hour from Hutchinson, Kansas population 40,000 and an hour and fifteen minutes northwest of Wichita. We've seen things fall into place indicating that this is where we needed to be. Being there has felt more like home that Texas ever has and I'm actually excited about moving there. For the chance to have people care, to become part of the community, to actually make connections with people. That's something that's a little harder in a large city. Some days, I still shake my head and can't believe I'm moving to Kansas of all places, but, to have my family be happy, I'd move to the ends of the earth to make that possible.

Moving to Texas has definitely had it's positives though. My cousin Tiffany and her family moved to Killeen, Texas when her and her husband, Clay, were both stationed at Fort Hood. The moved here shortly before we came. They are two and a half hours away. Up until now, Tiffany and I haven't really had much of a connection due to situation and living in different parts of the country. We've both been 1300 + miles from all our family in Utah and Colorado. Because of that, we've started to rely on each other more and  building not only stronger family ties, but a friendship as well. I have so enjoyed our time together and will miss being so close. I've been grateful to get to know Clay and consider him just as much my cousin as Tiffany though he's married into the family. He's just as crazy as the rest of us and I love it! To have that family support and to strengthen our ties, I will always be grateful and consider them not only family, but good friends.  I love them more than I can express and am so glad we have grown closer.

So, as I look over my crazy year so far, I see so many blessings in the midst of the stress and chaos. It's been a good year and I am truly blessed!

Finding joy in motherhood

When I initially intended on writing this, I was sitting outside at the neighborhood park. My daughter was in her Baby K'tan carrier and asleep on my shoulder as we were enjoying the beautiful spring weather here in North Texas. I was enjoying that moment, you know the one, where everything is peaceful, tranquil, and being a parent is worthwhile. Feeling grateful to be enjoying the sunshine on my face, grateful to be a mom, grateful to have her at all. My journey to this moment is a bitter sweet one. You see, it hasn't always been like this.

 

I totally thought I knew what I was getting myself into regarding kids. I helped with my nieces, the majority of my friends had at least one if not two or more kids already. I was 35 for crying out loud! I heard a ton of stories, I'd been warned on multiple occasions. Though I understood it!  Boy was I stupid! I was sleep deprived, overwhelmed and wondering what I had gotten myself into. Hormones, lack of sleep and the bipolar played a part in making those first months miserable. By the end of December, I was not doing well and needless to say, I was very close, too close, to being one of those women you hear about on t.v. where things end tragically. I'm so grateful for enough sense not to do that. I'm grateful for my friends on Facebook, who heeded the plea of someone who needed their prayers though I wouldn't go into detail as to why. I'm grateful that I was headed to get back on bipolar meds that day though I didn't want to because I thought I was doing ok. I am very grateful that my mother stayed on the phone with me for an hour and a half. I think that saved my life. To be on the other end, to be able to look back with some clarity, it's an awesome place to be.

 

When I initially intended on writing this, I was sitting outside at the neighborhood park. Enjoying yet another day with my beautiful daughter who's smile lights up a room. Who finds fascination in the wonders of the world. Loving the fact that I've been able to FINALLY find the joy in motherhood I thought I'd never find. Am I still sleep deprived? You betcha! Are things perfect all the time? Definitely not! Is my house a total disaster? Oh, don't get me started! ;) I do get another day to be there for my daughter though, and that's something!