In my mind, my last year is not one I'd like to repeat. Giving birth, health problems, problems adjusting to parenthood, a death in the family, selling my house and moving out of state and a myriad of other things have left me feeling worn out beyond what I feel like I can handle.
My last two weeks have been hell. Due to some unforeseen events, I had to stop my meds and went without for two weeks. I just started some new ones, and I think they're kicking in, but by this morning, if I had been in Utah, (with extended family member to watch my daughter) I would have checked myself into the psych ward. My current ability to handle things is at a minimum. Just getting by moment by moment has been beyond hard. Not killing myself, not because I want to die, because I want the pain to stop. I want to feel normal again. I want to enjoy my daughter again and not be reminded that she deserves a mother who's better than me every time I look in the mirror.
Please realize that I share this ugly truth about my life as of late, not for sympathy. Though I wouldn't blame for thinking, "damn, I'm glad that it's not me". I am hoping to help someone else see that they aren't alone. If we keep silent about things, we become isolated and feel alone. I'm tired of feeling alone.
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