As I sit here, I'm in the fourth hospital within the last two weeks, third this week in two states with my newborn son. Nothing hurts more than watching your kids suffer. My son has two heart issues, one will hopefully resolve itself within a year, a particially collapsed lung at birth which was inflated easily, and now pyloric stenosis (surgery scheduled soon), my heart has broken more times than I ever imagined possible. I feel useless as I try to take care of my husband and daughter and be with my son unable to do anything. I just have no words how difficult this has been on everyone. Just when I think we're through something, my heart breaks again with something else.
I keep getting told to take care of myself. How do you do that when you're heartbroken and torn in multiple directions. Grateful that I got back on my bipolar meds right after having my son. Don't think I haven't completely lost it more than once, but I know that the meds have helped and am glad.
While at Children's Mercy Hospital in Kansas City, MO, we met many families in worse situations and I know it could be worse. This situation hasn't been awesome by any means, though. Love your loved ones, hold them close, tell them you love them.
Saturday, May 23, 2015
Sunday, May 3, 2015
Reflection
As I reflect over the last nine months, I am unsure of what to say about my experience as a whole or how I feel about all of it. Surreal seems like a good word. Definitely not a time I'd like to repeat, ever. Heck, my last two years have been something I never imagined. So many highs and so many lows have pushed me further than I thought I could handle. Motherhood has been a far different experience than I thought it would be. I love my daughter. She is adorable, spunky, smart and has a load of personality! She loves people and animals. She is kind hearted and a sweetheart. She definitely keeps me on my toes. I guess, I feel inadequate as a mother and my struggles with that insecurity has been tough. I guess I thought I'd feel more like Mary Poppins and less like Ms. Hannigan from the movie "Annie". Ha ha. I expected better of myself. I know that my daughter loves me. I can see it in her face and I'm grateful that she sees past my short comings because she is a delight.
I can only hope that as we begin a new journey as we welcome my son into our little family, that I can continue to improve and be the best mom I can be.
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